The Impossible Garden
& The Wildforest
ART & STORIES BY MARICHIT GARCIA
I have decided to let go of many things. I started with my material possessions and minimalised what I own so I can have more space. In fact, I am doing a second round this weekend just to fine-tune what's been left. In the process I removed from my life anything that only elicited regret, sadness, or disappointment. Things that have outlived their meanings and usefulness. Things that have never even managed to be useful at all. Sentimental value only counts as long as it inspires a forward movement.
I let go of an old love, the last from a series of lost loves, that has long ceased to be love but merely a thin desire for possession and validation. It was something that did not survive outside of an experiment in a cold artificial laboratory. Its variables were too specific and the conditions were impossible to replicate in real life. It took me very long time to understand and to accept that everything else that happened had nothing to do with me at all. That it was all over the moment we both stepped out of the borders of that country in the surge of spring.
I let go of the old rules by which I conducted my daily life, my relationship about my dayjob that has long ceased to bring me any emotional satisfaction, that has become mere duty and default. In the process I had to make a decision about my creative life, about how I will live it truthfully despite the many obstacles and limitations that threaten to derail it.
I let go of my subscription to the beliefs about success, and by doing so I aim to free myself from the heavy weight of guilt that had perched on my shoulders for many many years. I let go of the guilt for wanting to be happy for reasons of my own rather than for the reasons that others say I should. I let go of the guilt for messing up my life and having to go back on all the unspoken promises I have made out of the unspoken expectations from others.
I let go of my constant second-guessing everything, my overactive defensiveness. I must learn to be open again. I must learn to be brave again rather than simply enduring. I must push back if I am being cornered. I must say yes or no as they mean not as a safety. I must not be afraid to ask. I must not be ashamed of my truths. Authenticity is a beacon that draws the kin of spirit, those who would effortlessly weave their lives into mine with genuine affection. Disguises and masks draw only that which frustrate and disappoint.
I let go of the boundaries and lines I have drawn around myself that somehow keep me from pursuing what my heart wants while letting what restricts me dictate my choices. There will have to be a completely new way of navigating through the challenges and the obstacles and the disadvantages.
I let go of the selves I have reined in for fear of being unacceptable, unlovable, unworthy.
I let go and I open up and I lift myself out, and shine and flower and grow, and I won't be afraid to be seen or to be heard. I will be brave. I will live. I will love.