My sister and I had a most interesting discussion last night, over an imaginary map made up of empty cups, saucers, and glasses. We were in a Korean cafe on a very late Friday evening. We talked about doors, and how some movements must be the act of opening doors and walking through them.
It's quite a record, actually, that I was out last night. I was just out on Wednesday to spend an afternoon with a friend (who helped trigger awake a number of suddenly possible directions). And then Friday night I made the effort to dress up (discovering without a doubt that I really have to upgrade my recently minimalised wardrobe) and went out to have dinner with my sister and her friend.
After dinner we browsed and shopped a little -- me forking over the cash oh so carefully but also recognising the necessity of allowing this expense in order to further my own forward movements. I have been very stingy on my own personal spending since I would rather not have anything new than worry about how to cover next month's household bills.
I bought two plain shirts of different colours (which echoed my own painting palette preferences), a pair of brown tights, and a pair of brown leggings. These are meant to expand the possibilities of my current skirts and dresses. I have mentally marked one perfectly fitting dress to return for once I've slept over the idea of buying it. Half the stuff left in my closet after I minimalised are leaning too much into the shabby-but-not-chic side and while they are favourites I may really have to let go of them soon or re-assign them as houseclothes.
Today I have plans of going to the mall and shopping for fabric to be made into skirts. I have an aunt who sews so I can have new skirts without having to pay the full store prices. Then also fabric for a few dresses. I already know the kind of clothes that make me feel both comfortable and nice. I do not have the face nor form (nor the finances) for following fashions. I also do not have the patience to make the effort to keep abreast of trends.
It is quite an awkward feeling, and I admit to feeling a bit sheepish at all this attention being paid to how I look. Last night my sister and I also dropped by out favourite local skin care and makeup brand, Snoe, and she got moisturisers. I, on the other hand, with much internal wrestling, bought a bottle of lemon drop spritz -- a definite upgrade from my all-time go-to baby cologne. The spritz smelled like how I would imagine a lemon orchard would smell like while the trees are heavy with ripening fruit and all the spaces in between trees are carpeted with flowers and everything coated with sunshine.
While I remain a total fan of solitude and spending as much time in my studio traveling my inner countries, I believe that the time has come for me to balance that inward movement with outward movement. Certainly the person who comes out of that voluntary seclusion is a different person from the one who went in. But different in the sense that I am better equipped (I hope) for any encounter. It does not mean I will start going to parties and chatting up strangers to "reach out". Or joining clubs and workshops. I still want to bring my quiet with me.
It means I will go out and relate to the world according to who I am and what I am. I will, however, concede to the compromise of being a character in order to participate in the common social language. But the character will be of my own choosing, and will not be a betrayal of my own values. But I will be open and receptive, and honest, and kind. I will also be mindful of protecting myself while respecting the truths of others.
I will be out there, moving into larger spaces, daring the labyrinth, mustering up the courage to keep opening doors and walking through them, both real and metaphorical portals.
I will be out there, silent and shining and real, in the best possible way I can.
None of the contents of this website and blog may be reproduced without consent from the author/owner.
Support This Artist With a One-Time Donation
Or pledge a monthly contribution from as low as $1
I am an artist-in-progress. I started my creative journey in 2012 and have never stopped taking steps since. Always one step at a time. Always moving forward. It has been an increasingly tough and occasionally rewarding road.
Models & Mentors
Emily W. Martin
That Curious Love of Green
The Dainty Squid
The School Of Life
Crafty Fun Kids by Sinead
David Beaver Art
Head Graffiti Studio
News From The Hill
Pretty Odd Peach
The Fiery Redhead
Upward Facing Blog
View From Zany Mountain
What Karen Did Next